my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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