Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
