You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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