No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
