I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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