My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
