Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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