If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
cat food counts as protein by the way
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
