You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
