I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
