He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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