Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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