Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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