No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
