even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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