Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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