Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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