I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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