Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
