Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
