drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
