your room smells of hookers.
And success
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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