this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
