This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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