Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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