i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
