What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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