I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
