Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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