How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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