I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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