He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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