walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
