Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
