Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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