Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
