nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
