Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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