why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
