I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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