she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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