I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
