My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
