For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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