Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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