Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
