People with herpes should wear stickers.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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