I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
