Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
