im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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